Moteque Magazine: May 2010

The notion of writing a column about laziness, slacking-off, or just nothing-doing, whatever you want to call it – is of course quite a paradox. If you truly endorse the message of giving into that blessed, pleasant idleness, you should be naturally revolted by the concept of bothering to write about it, nor should you feel the need to cause anyone to pro-actively read about it.
So what is it that makes a king sloth such as myself sit down and write about slacking off? It is the feeling that laziness is being lost in our over-productive world. That it is being elbowed out of our everyday lives. That it is time for someone to stand up and (not) take action for laziness.
Today, all slacking off gets is a very bad rep. From the moment a child is born he is swamped with "Baby Beethoven" and from that moment on, be it his parents, his school, his boss – the message is always to do something with oneself (The actual baby Beethoven first performed at age six, so we can probably assume that his parents were also on his back to get up and do something).
But it wasn't always like this. If you really think about it, laziness is the illuminati of real life – it's a secret way of life that only a select few really know about and is passed down through the generations. That'd be my choice of subject if I had written the Da-Vinci Code (also, I would have vetoed Tom Hanks. Yup, definitely). I mean, when you think about it, when you really think about it, the desire to do nothing is the engine at the heart of human progress.
Imagine, if you will, the first group of homo sapiens. Consider the guy who first started building tools. He was weak, because he wasn't too into sports. He was probably pretty okay with his hands, but not with the rough stuff, otherwise he'd been a hunter, so we can assume he was one of those tall goofy, guys, with pianist hands. And he was bright (ok, he didn't have a Ph.D., but he was smarter than the rest of the jocks chasing mammoths). Ok, so do you have his picture going? Now put him into focus. Yup, he is your office cynic. That's right; he's the kid in high school that always sits on the sidelines, making jokes. That's the father of civilization (eat that, jocks!).
Can't you just see him, trying to get off work at the boar-chasing office, talking to the head-honcho? "Hey, I'm not feeling so good. I think we're too many for a boar chasing team anyway. Everybody knows you need 2 to chase and one to flank. 2 flankers, that's just playing right into the boar's hands, man. Besides somebody should go watch the cave, right?”. And once denied, that great man invented what has become the bread and butter of sloths everywhere – the personal project. "Look, I've got this idea for a boar killer. It's gonna be awesome. I'm gonna go work on it". And six months later, a day before the deadline, he presents them with a sharpened rock found outside the cave – and history as we know it begins (also, in the rights to this movie [I'm thinking "Blerk – a stone-age stoner"] I would definitely cast Seth Rogan as the lead).
And laziness, much like religion, continues to operate the world from that day on. Think of Adam Smith establishing the concept of capitalism. The individual, he says, should be the one incentivizing itself to work. When we give people a free pass, and not impose too many restrictions, people tend to get by. Some will do more than other; some will gain more than others. In other words "by pursuing his own interest, [the individual] frequently promotes that of the society more effectually than when he intends to promote it." ("The Wealth of Nations"). Or, as I like to think of the message that Smith is sending here – "let's all work as much as we want, and maybe if I write a book about it my mom will get off my back for waking up at noon".
Much like the aforementioned illuminati, Smith's message has passed different interest groups to become what we now know as "Let's all work as much as we can". This, as we all know, is also the recipe for creating a video game deficiency (a life threatening ailment, long passed in most developed countries).
For you see, slacking off is the one of mankind's most creative, beautiful, moving concepts – and one of our more unique characteristics. It's the idea of doing as little as possible. It's the will to do a little bit now, promising to do more later, in hopes that later will be cancelled by an unforeseeable event (which in itself, is how I'd explain the notion of faith to aliens, because you haven't prayed until you prayed a night before the deadline).
It is embodied not only by our great forefathers such as Blerk, but also by our cultural heroes. Think of Popeye's Wimpy (you know the one) – "I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today". Oh, Wimpy, you've got the idea right. You can have it all. Think of Bart and Homer Simpson (2 generations of glorious laziness). Think of George Costanza. Think of Dylan and Lennon, and the whole 60's revolution, telling the world to "turn on, tune in, drop out". Shakespeare has been accused of copying the works of others hundreds of time (I wonder if the deadline existed back then). Hell, Jonah wanted to get out work so bad he stayed in the stomach of a whale (go Jonah!). Can't you just see that call? "Yo god, It's J-dawg. I think I'm not gonna be coming in today. Yeah, I'm a little sick. No, don't come by my house, there's no need. Yeah, I know your omnipotent, but still… well, *cough, cough* gotta go. Good luck with that whole Promised Land project, I'll try to be back on time for the end. Tell Jesus I said hi". (Ed Norton as Jonah? I'm having a little problem visualizing this one. Also, the more I think about I realize that I am comfortable with casting Seth Rogan as everyone).
So, as I started, I shall leave with the inherent contradiction that lies within our will to laze about it – it may be the most powerful engine in our progression, perceived as progress's worst enemy. Is laziness not what progress strives for? Own more, do less, have fun. So next time somebody tells you to do something with yourself, maybe just consider the option of doing nothing. It's something, isn't it? Because laziness is the epitome of free choice, it is what makes us who we are, it is what generates all of the human thoughts that no other creature can perceive, while at the same time is a state all creatures, big and small, aspire to as one.
And having mentioned Dylan, here is the third and last verse from his song "Talking Hugh Brown" from his Minnesota party tape (lyrics: http://bit.ly/dswA30 , Audio: http://bit.ly/aJyuv2 ). It's about Hugh Brown, the laziest man in town:
"You know, it was raining the other day,
I mean the other night
And Hugh Brown said
And Hugh Brown, (he's) so lazy that
He said to me, "Bob, it's raining on my bed"
And I says "Oh", and he says "Yeah", and I says "Oh"
Hugh Brown never closed the window
Oh, that's the end"